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All my life, I have faced this question: What does it mean to be a man? I first puzzled over this when I was a young child, and I continue to wrestle with it today.
From a very early age we learn what it means to be a man by how those around us treat us, speak to us, and influence us. They teach us whether they know they do or not. And we are learning whether we know it or not. It follows us through everything we do. And like me, I am finding that most men made up a lot of stuff about being a man, and every man I have ever spoken to admits that there are times when he questions whether or not he is the right kind of man. Now it seems multitudes of people are asking this question, and I say, "Thank God for that!"
For a long time I thought I stood outside and was only looking in on masculinity. I thought I knew I was not a man. Why? Because so much of my internal self seemed to contradict how men were supposed to be. Sure, I was athletic and had a good sense of humor - but I wanted to connect with guys at a deeper level, and you just didn't do that, at least not sober. The problem was that I kept so much of that conversation inside. As judge and jury of my own masculinity, I was always guilty - of not being manly enough. This personal journey is what led me to doing the work I am now privileged to be doing.
So what does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? This fundamental question is the foundation around which our new trauma-informed and gender-responsive curriculum is developed. How do we encourage men to honestly address these questions and doubts when they are seeking sobriety? Although it is difficult and sometimes painful, men need to face this question the second they begin working towards recovery.
The time inevitably comes when we have to face our addiction and ourselves in a totally new way. The people aiding us on the path towards recovery from addiction say that we have to ask for assistance, "let go," talk about our feelings, and many other actions that do not seem very manly. But we do them anyway, because we know our lives depend on it.
Whatever trauma or pain has broken us in our addiction is ultimately what strengthens us in recovery. We do what we are told despite how uncomfortable it is, and something happens: we get better. We feel better. Many of us feel more vital than we have in decades, and some of us feel alive for the first time in our lives.
That is the beauty of recovery: it gives us the opportunity to break free from something that we did not know was suffocating us. Most men do not even know they are doing it. They go to meetings and hug other men because that is what other men are doing. They ask for help because that is what they are told will help them stay sober. They talk about their inner lives - for the first time in their lives - because if they don't many of them will certainly use again. So we keep doing what we are told. We keep doing what those whom we respect do. Slowly, we transform as men. We become, at our best, shining beacons of the possibility of masculinity.
So, again I ask: What does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? The beauty and challenge of the answer is that there is no wrong answer. It means whatever you want it to mean. It always means whatever you want it to mean. You are not bound to anything, because you can always change your mind. The possibilities are endless, and once you get out of the narrow definition, the universe opens up to you as it never has before. In that clearing you find yourself - and you become the man you were truly meant to be. For me, although it can be difficult to practice, the answer to this question is quite simple: Be who you are.
From a very early age we learn what it means to be a man by how those around us treat us, speak to us, and influence us. They teach us whether they know they do or not. And we are learning whether we know it or not. It follows us through everything we do. And like me, I am finding that most men made up a lot of stuff about being a man, and every man I have ever spoken to admits that there are times when he questions whether or not he is the right kind of man. Now it seems multitudes of people are asking this question, and I say, "Thank God for that!"
For a long time I thought I stood outside and was only looking in on masculinity. I thought I knew I was not a man. Why? Because so much of my internal self seemed to contradict how men were supposed to be. Sure, I was athletic and had a good sense of humor - but I wanted to connect with guys at a deeper level, and you just didn't do that, at least not sober. The problem was that I kept so much of that conversation inside. As judge and jury of my own masculinity, I was always guilty - of not being manly enough. This personal journey is what led me to doing the work I am now privileged to be doing.
So what does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? This fundamental question is the foundation around which our new trauma-informed and gender-responsive curriculum is developed. How do we encourage men to honestly address these questions and doubts when they are seeking sobriety? Although it is difficult and sometimes painful, men need to face this question the second they begin working towards recovery.
The time inevitably comes when we have to face our addiction and ourselves in a totally new way. The people aiding us on the path towards recovery from addiction say that we have to ask for assistance, "let go," talk about our feelings, and many other actions that do not seem very manly. But we do them anyway, because we know our lives depend on it.
Whatever trauma or pain has broken us in our addiction is ultimately what strengthens us in recovery. We do what we are told despite how uncomfortable it is, and something happens: we get better. We feel better. Many of us feel more vital than we have in decades, and some of us feel alive for the first time in our lives.
That is the beauty of recovery: it gives us the opportunity to break free from something that we did not know was suffocating us. Most men do not even know they are doing it. They go to meetings and hug other men because that is what other men are doing. They ask for help because that is what they are told will help them stay sober. They talk about their inner lives - for the first time in their lives - because if they don't many of them will certainly use again. So we keep doing what we are told. We keep doing what those whom we respect do. Slowly, we transform as men. We become, at our best, shining beacons of the possibility of masculinity.
So, again I ask: What does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? The beauty and challenge of the answer is that there is no wrong answer. It means whatever you want it to mean. It always means whatever you want it to mean. You are not bound to anything, because you can always change your mind. The possibilities are endless, and once you get out of the narrow definition, the universe opens up to you as it never has before. In that clearing you find yourself - and you become the man you were truly meant to be. For me, although it can be difficult to practice, the answer to this question is quite simple: Be who you are.
About the Author:
Dan Griffin, M.A., is co-author of the groundbreaking trauma informed curriculum, Helping Men Recover. To get a free excerpt from his book and his curriculum, go to http://www.dangriffin.com.
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